Susan Patton, aka the Princeton Mom, is back in the news this week, with the release of her book, Marry Smart. You might remember her from the stir she caused last year, when she wrote an open letter to the Daily Princetonian advising the young women of the Ivy League that, if they were at all interested in marriage, they ought to be focused on finding their future husbands in college because they “would never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who would be worthy […]”
Finding the man of your dreams in college isn’t exactly a new idea. In fact, for a lot of women, it’s the American dream! I’ve known about the MRS Degree for years, and some of my girlfriends were very open about the fact that that’s why they became Bobcats with me at Ohio University. And even I can honestly say that while some of Miss Susie’s advice may be a bit antiquated, I do wholeheartedly agree with her, at the very least, on the concentration of date-worthy men part! So in honor of Susan Patton’s truthful acknowledgement of all the crazy in the dating world post-college, how about some of that funny shit I promised to write about in this blog? My dating life is definitely full of it, so let me dive right in, with descriptive captions for your stereotyping and amusement…
THE VERTICALLY CHALLENGED WINO
I’ll start with my very first date here in Los Angeles, which was quite the rude awakening to the world of being single. Dude shows up to pick me up six inches shorter than I remember him, with the craaaaziest hair (strike one). Note to single girls everywhere: never accept a date from a man who is sitting down, with a hat on. In the one hour before we left for dinner, he helped himself to a bottle and a half of the wine he brought for us (strike two). The whole thing was so awkward that I had no other choice but to get wasted as well, #YOLO! When I finally got back to the sanctuary of my home, he asked to come in and use my bathroom, aaaaand his cocky, overconfident self proceeded to use my toothbrush for his “wine teeth” (strike three)!! Gross!! Lucky for him I had a few glasses of wine myself… and lucky for me I never saw him again… after the next morning. And I’ll leave it at that.
THE BROKE ACTOR (OR MAYBE HE WAS JUST RUDE?)
Then there was the time I was all excited to try this cute little Italian place in Hollywood, until I get the follow-up text asking what time I’ll be ready, if he should pick me up, and… wait for it… if I’ll be eating dinner too? What does that even mean?! Did he think I had an eating disorder? Did he think I SHOULD have an eating disorder? If I had said no, would we have gone some place nicer, because he was too broke to pay for both of us at a decent place? So many questions… I’d like to say I canceled, but I didn’t. But you better believe I ordered every carb on that menu and savored every last bite!
How about the complete stranger who asked me out via facebook message (which I normally wouldn’t go for but he was a professional racecar driver and we had a lot of “mutual friends” so I thought, why not?), and then I come to find out that he also asked out my good friend’s sister, who he had actually met, for the same night?! Poor guy had no way of knowing we were connected, and I just so happened to ask her best friend if she thought I should go (mutual friend), so his attempt to double-book the night ended up in a solo night for him. I guess the big man upstairs was looking out for me on that one!
THE PORN ADDICT
Here’s one final story that I know will comfort anxious boyfriends everywhere, because when it comes to Valentine’s Day, you really can’t screw it up worse than this one… I had been seeing a new guy for a couple weeks right around the expectation-filled holiday, so Valentine’s was our fourth official date. We were having a great time, right up until he couldn’t take his eyes off this woman across the room! I clearly noticed he was distracted, so you can imagine my relief when he stopped mid-sentence to let me know that he was so sorry but he was CERTAIN he knew this woman but just couldn’t place from where… Weeelllllllll… turns out I knew her from my quite eclectic group of friends, and she’s a porn star. It was especially hilarious when her, her husband and I started talking and catching up and my date kept on with the “I know I know you from somewhere” line, and all the while the rest of us are having a private conversation with our eyes that says “Yep, you’ve seen her vagina enough to actually recognize her face, and we all know it!”
From the hot foreign tourists on Tinder that never seem to actually leave, to the ridiculously inappropriate 20-something musicians that are ever-so-aloof but still too sexy to resist, that’s just a small sampling of some of my crazy dating life out here in Los Angeles. What I want to know is what dating is like where you live! The good, the bad, the ugly… let’s hear it! Leave your story in the comments below. It’s almost the weekend so I expect some good stories come Sunday afternoon!
The Lovely Lawyer